Image: Algarrobo Beach by Pepo

So, when I said in my previous update post that I’d kicked my depression, I wasn’t exactly lying, but there’s more to the story than that. It’s more like the depression is mostly under control but I am prone to occasional spikes, such as the one I’ve been having for the last couple of days.

On these occasions I wonder if I’ve made the right choices: moving two hours out of the city to a town where I don’t know anyone, committing to a new mortgage, living by myself (no partner, flatmates or parents for the first time in my life) without even a TV for company. On the one hand, I am living exactly as I’ve always dreamed: fresh country air, veggie gardens, simple, quiet, reflective. On the other hand, though, I sometimes feel very alone and unsure of myself.

I did a tarot reading the other day for the first time in months, with my favourite deck, Osho Zen Tarot. I was first introduced to this deck at the National Queer Spirituality Conference in 2003, and I have been in love ever since. Anyway, one of the wise messages I took from the reading was that aloneness in the presence of oneself, which is (or should be, if you’re a stable, self-loving individual) a positive thing.

Often I am said stable, self-loving person, but this is not always the case. When I am feeling good I adore my own company. I cherish the insight I get from sitting in quiet reflection, and the peace and relaxation I feel when I spend my country evenings surrounded by crystals, candles, incense and music while I work blissfully on my tapestry or read a book. I like not having to be ‘on’ all the time, rushing around and being bombarded with messages from a million different sources.

But when I feel a bit blue, like I do right now, I hate my own company. I hate my thoughts, my restlessness, the self-loathing and doubt that permeates my environment. How can you enjoy your oneness when it’s the one thing you hate?

Getting comfortable with yourself and your own company takes a lot of work, especially when you have a history of depression. Sitting with yourself may just be one of the hardest things there is. But once you can do it – oh wow. Ideas, connections and insight open up. You feel at peace, floating on a blissful cloud where the opinions, criticisms and actions of others can’t touch you. You operate on instinct, knowing that you are, perhaps for the first time, being true to and with yourself. You are in the zone.

I have chosen a life where I have given myself the greatest opportunity to get in the zone. I live alone, many hours from friends and family. I only work in the office back in the city two days per week, and the rest I work from home. It is quiet here. Sometimes it is too quiet and I start doubting my choices. When this happens, I deal with it by getting back to my original intention: why did I choose to live alone all the way up the mountains?

It was to counter everything that my life had been up until now – busy, chaotic, and often unfaithful to myself. It was to get to a point where I operate from that place of instinct and authenticity all the time. It was to be present with myself. Despite depression spikes that come and go, and the bitter feelings of loneliness that come with it, deep down I know that this was the right move for me. Right now in my life I need aloneness. I need to be honest about what I want and who I am, in order to get past this depression and live a life of authenticity.

Of course you don’t need to move to the country to get in touch with yourself – I moved to the country because this is where I feel most at home. You don’t even need to live alone. But you do need to make time for yourself, without distraction, and get to know and enjoy your own company. I think we all need to stop thinking of ‘being alone’ as a bad thing, and instead celebrate the opportunity it gives us for growth and truth. And if worst comes to worst, I can always go get a TV…

posted by Kelly
Filed under: God and stuff